uhhh . . . it’s a long story

i’m writing a three-part essay about incidents involving my testicles (which is sort of inspired by my friend tim rogers’ excellent unpublished story ‘AN UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF MY TESTICLES’). unfortunately a lot of things have happened to my testicles and, because i hate myself, i have decided these tales must be writ upon stone for future generations to study. if you didn’t know, having a pair of testicles is awful. it is very easy to encounter misfortune when you’ve got these things, and often it involves a great deal of pain. there are worse fates of course, but i’m an idiot, and so this is the story i have to tell.

part one is about how i always get my testicles patted down by the TSA when passing through airport security. and when i say “always” i mean always. the second part is about going to the ER in new orleans because of a phantom pain in my testicles, which is where “jump” comes in. every now and then one of my friends will tell me they’re listening to “jump”, which is code for “i remember the story you told me about going to the ER in new orleans because of the phantom pain in your testicles.” the last part is about my vasectomy. i’m sure there are many more exciting adventures to come, but so far these are the best of the lot.

anyway please anticipate it. actually maybe don’t because why the fuck am i writing this