LISTEN: Whether I like it or not, I have been out there observing this wild world, and I have picked up on a recent trend that is giving me nightmares. I feel compelled to make a public service announcement.


Seriously, y’all have got to knock it off with talking on the god damn phone while you’re standing at a urinal, or, worse, sitting on a toilet in a stall in a public restroom. This is absolutely disgusting and I don’t care if I sound like a brat!! How brazen and shameless we have gotten with our hideousness! This cannot be the new normal. I refuse!

And, do the people on the other end know? Man I sure as hell don’t want to talk to someone while they’re hunched over taking a dump in a Target restroom at 7 pm on a Wednesday. Get real.

If I stumbled upon this sort of thing once or twice, I’d chalk it up to a freak occurrence . . . just me momentarily gazing through a glass darkly at the unsound habits of these gross-ass psychos who have no respect for the sanctity of a phone call, let alone the privacy of one’s own bodily functions. But no, man: I’m witnessing this godless atrocity multiple times a week!

We all know I am like Jerry Seinfeld / Howard Hughes weird about germs, but come on. You got your dick in your hand, for god’s sake, or else you’re wiping your gross dumb ass. While talking on the phone! In public! And then, jesus lord in heaven, they just walk out of the restroom without washing their hands! That ain’t right, baby!!

People as a whole are pretty disgusting when you really get down to it, and there’s not much you can do to turn it around. But please, y’all, we need to come together on this one. It has to end. It’s getting weird!