tonight while walking home, i heard three drunken idiots screaming at each other across the street. they were trying to figure out how to get food at 3:30 a.m., which is a difficult thing to do in portland since almost everything closes at 9–10 p.m.

one of them suggested driving to troutdale, which is something like 10 miles from here, and i thought, “oh god”

they were gurgling, gargling, yelling out sentences that didn’t make sense, even to each other and even to themselves

and then i heard this, which i’m still trying to figure out, despite the fact that i already know it is godawful in every sense of the word:

“why are you talking like you have a vagina?”

“i’m not talking like i have a vagina. i’m talking like i have a plan.”


the plan was to find “a car” (???) and then “drive over to that 24-hour place in troutdale”

and then off they went in search of a car. they turned a corner and were gone. uh-oh!