laura saved this screenshot from long ago and sends it to me once a year. maybe it gives her some encouragement. well, i meant it!

speaking of being a sad girl: when i woke up this afternoon, i felt a despair. it was that heavy murky kind that you just can’t place. or anyway i couldn’t place it. nothing particularly bad has happened to me in a while other than a string of nightmares the last few nights. before that, i had been dreaming nice things or at least neutral things . . . many dreams about my friends and sometimes i have had premonitions. recently i had a dream about a girl i know, and when i woke up to tell her so, she replied right away saying she was actually in berlin for one day only, and would i like to hang out that night? of course i said yes. in the dream i told her i had missed her. i even cried in the dream because of how much i missed her. when i saw her later that night, she kissed me on the cheek, which she had done in the dream. and i hadn’t told her that part. i’ll write about that night soon . . .

i have no residual memory of the nightmare i had last night. i dream every night, and i almost always remember them . . . but with this one, i awoke feeling a sort of vague fear, though i did not know why. the dream had ended and only the bad feeling remained. so what with it being sunday and all, i figured it was all right if i just never turned on any of the lights and take the best antidote for pain i can think of: i watched movies all day. i’m nearly done with the third season of TWIN PEAKS, which is an 18-hour movie, and so i drank a bunch of coffee and ate a bunch of fruit during the six episodes i watched, which constituted six hours of my day. it really did make me feel better.

and then she said the ancient phrase:

yeah . . .

anyway . . . i can see that the sun has come up behind my curtains. i can hear birds in the trees. for we Nighttime Freaks, once you hear the birds, it’s all over. and so saying, i am going to brush my teeth and do my little skincare routine and then pass out on my couch. once or twice a week i sleep on my couch. it’s a different kind of sleep. i like it. here’s hoping that tonight i end up in that landless latitude where nothing hurts and i am visited by good friends. to whoever is listening up there: i beg of you, don’t put me back in the abyss