07 November 2018

laura rokas had a dream that i died in a car accident and came back without a soul, and she was the only person who knew this. in her dream she realized it was her duty to kill me to get me to peace because nobody else was going to. you can’t walk around without a soul, after all.

this morning i asked laura to kill me, on account of some wishful thinking that her dream was a premonition, or some such thing. she has refused! my little sister has also refused to kill me. what gives???

i’m on my hands here in the dark, man! i’m pleading with you, unseen silent joker: kill me!

is the universe a factory that creates experience-gathering machines? do we exist to be shot out into space to gather as many experiences and feelings as we can during an average human lifetime and then . . . return to the source? to be reshaped and shot out again? to gather even more experiences? to an end we are wholly, cruelly unaware of?

am i one of the experience-gathering machines that broke on the assembly line? did i just break down along the way? or was i broken intentionally in order to gather worse experiences than some of the other machines around me?

can i go back to the source already??

can you retire me from service, for god’s sake???

i don’t wanna come back here again, that’s for sure. . . .

kill me!

•   •   •

humans do all kinds of things during their lifetime, right?

discovering things, building things. . . .

things like houses, motorcycles, bridges, cities and rockets. . . .

all that knowledge and energy. . . . where do you suppose it comes from?

humans were like monkeys once, right?

and before that, like reptiles and fish.

and before that, plankton and amoebas.

even creatures like those have incredible energy inside them.

and even before that, maybe there was energy in the water and the air.

even in space dust too, i bet.

if that’s true, what memories are hidden in it?

if all the energy in the universe came from one point, will it go back there again?

and if does, S, will you be there waiting for me?