22 May 2019

i have got to get my chemicals back! every single time i ever go to LA, i have a real good time for most of it, and then right there at the tail end i experience this massive serotonin drain. usually i’m driving back or flying or whatever and there is just none of that stuff left in my head. this compounds over the next few days until my mind is as much of a desert as LA is. i love that stupid place— that strange sad dream! but there is definitely something creepy and horrifying about it that i cannot shake later. i’ll bear witness to something truly sad . . . or more than likely a trillion micro-sadnesses, and it gets in me and i stop laughing and go home to deal with it. but then of course i go back into it again a few months later because i really do like that place, what with it being a bizarro dimension in the same vein as las vegas. still: what the hell is this? why can’t i just have it all??