So I took several pictures of my face pointing every way imaginable, and then photoshopped a gold tooth onto my right front tooth. And you know what: it looks pretty OK. I mean, it looks weird, but I’ve decided I don’t care about that. (Maybe I even like it??)

For Those Who Came In Late: My right front tooth is a crown. My actual front tooth exploded inside my mouth after I slammed my face into a pipe. Last month, my crown, which is ten years old, chipped in half while I was eating a sandwich. I had to have to cemented back onto the other chipped half that was still inside my mouth. The dentist gave me six months to a year of it lasting any longer in its current battle-damaged state.

Gold is much stronger than porcelain. It is also cheaper. The only reason to get a porcelain crown is if you care about your crown looking as natural as possible. There is a thing they do where they’ll make a slightly smaller gold crown, and then affix a porcelain hat over top it, which is really the best of both worlds . . . you get the strength of gold, and you get to disguise it by making it look like the rest of your teeth. Hmm. That ain’t a bad beat right there. I’ll consider it.

However: I really do think I’m going full-blown gold. I mean, why the heck not, you know? I have meditated upon The Gold Tooth, and it seems to me that if you just own it, you’ll be all right. You know, take on a sort of “Yeah, I have a gold tooth. So what, jerk???” attitude. I can definitely do that!

I remember the day I started walking amongst my fellow human beings without a care in the world as to how I came off to them. It was a beautiful day. This feeling I have— the one that makes me immune to other people’s opinions (specifically (especially) strangers)—is, near as I can tell, one that I get to keep for the rest of my life. You know? I could never go back to caring about that stuff.

And the gold tooth is most definitely a thing I could have in my mouth and never think about. I mean, hell, just a few years ago it was a bad idea for someone to have a tattoo if they also wanted to have a job (which is dumb as hell). Is a little ol’ gold tooth (that I actually need to make my life easier!!) really going to be a thing a person would use to not like me? Kinda sounds like that would be their problem, doesn’t it??

. . . Oh, did you think I was going to post those pictures of me with a photoshopped gold tooth? Dream on, turd. I already trashed them. But if and when I do get an actual gold tooth, well . . . you’re lookin at ground zero for them pictures!!

See y’all in the funny papers!!! I’m going to sleep!!!!!!