As I MEDITATE upon it NOW, I realize that one of the reasons I had to break up with this person I was dating many years ago was because of the frequency with which she used the non-word “meh”. I get chills down my spine just thinking about it. She mostly used it as a thoughtless perfunctory response, and occasionally to review movies we had just seen, and honestly I don’t know which is worse.

Baby, listen: If you somehow think you ever need to use that godawful internetspeak, then just do us all a favor and burp instead. It will have the same effect, and at the very least you will have done something honest with your mouth.

One time a guy in a “meh.” (lowercase) T-shirt came into a movie 20 minutes late and sat down next to me in an otherwise completely empty theater and asked me what he’d missed, and I nearly had a heart attack because I assumed someone had hired him to kill me. Of course my own personal angel of death would be wearing that fucking T-shirt with that fucking word on it (thought I!). In the end this Forrest Gump-haircut’d adult man slurped on gummy worms and gargled soda all the livelong day, and while he may not have stabbed me in the neck with a screwdriver, I sure could not unforget the three letters scrawled across his chest, which may as well announce to us all the way he comes at the world!

Anyway: She was a great person otherwise. Just, for god’s sake, a black shriek of terror exploded inside my skull every time she dared to sum up her feelings in one doughy noncommittal mealy-mouthed syllable!!