i couldn’t sleep at all last night. i went to bed before nine and woke up every twenty minutes or so until the sun came up. dante slept on my leg the whole night, i think maybe because i was giving off sick / sad pheromones. i felt like throwing up. honest to god, i was nauseous just from thinking

today on the street a girl asked me for a light and i gave her a pack of matches i got in new york last year. i had been carrying it around in my breast pocket since then. yeah, well, good-bye to all that. i bought a pack of some crappy cigarettes from the corner store and walked around for a while until i found some shade to sit in. beneath an enormous palm tree i wondered how much worse it could get

tonight i am going to go to ruby room and fill myself with absolute trash until hopefully my heart just stops beating. and if that doesn’t work, there’s always drowning in nearby lake merritt, or stepping in front the 72R in downtown oakland as it makes its way up san pablo avenue. hah! i’m serious as a heart attack, man. there was no reason to be around before any of this. i was quit when i come in here, i’m twice as quit now (et cetera)

yeah well. jesus am i ever shredded

i think i have dispensed some goodwill in my time. i never did it for any other reason than to do it, cuz i like helping people and being friends with people. but if i could maybe cash in on some of that goodwill, even just a little bit, i sure would appreciate it. can anyone out there be my friend for a while? the alternative of course, which i am counting on, is to be alone like this, so maybe i’ll just focus on that

(this post is brought to you by ryan, who is an adult and not a teenager (lol))