I am on a train barreling through Czechia on my way to Vienna . . . and I just came across this video I had completely forgotten about in which Nicole the Polish Girl (one of the most beautiful women on the planet, pictured) and her brother Aleks (also a hottie) lure me into clumsily saying things in Polish so I sound like a huge idiot. We are posing here inside a darkened elevator in Shibuya in Tokyo, where we had hid for two hours in order to seek warmth and get drunk on Suntory Strong Zeros.

Nicole, your glacial blue eyes are so supernaturally beautiful that you could command me to rob a bank at your behest and, lost in a trance inside your hypnotic gaze, I would be powerless to say no. And even then I’d probably do it anyway. The video also reminded me that you have a very good voice. It fills me with a feeling.

As for me . . . I look downright ghoulish as hell here. In fairness, I had lost some weight from sadness, had nearly died in a plane crash off the coast of Japan only hours before, and had been in a lonely place for some time. I was briefly rescued from my own despair by the two Polish angels with whom I shared the elevator. Love y’all . . .

I SHALL END THIS POST THUSLY:

. . . by quoting the end of the video itself, which is to say:

NA ZDROWIE

. . . which is Polish for, I am told, “to your health”— said when toasting, which we did a lot of that night. I did pronounce it correctly in the video and the two Poles in attendance, who had likely initially hoped I would not, did seem pleased by this.