26 January 2014

I have been twenty-six years old for two hours and nine minutes

A year ago today my girlfriend got mad at me and I went on a bike ride by myself and came home and listened to War Elephant

Tonight my friends came to see me at my house and sat around by the fire

Tracey made me a cake

Ryan bought me a six-pack

Neil gave me a hug

A girl I barely know came into my bedroom and played with my cat

22 January 2014

Sometimes a man, feeling like a hot tube of stupid pathetic meat, stands in a hollowed-out crater of his own self-loathing and says to the universe, “Yeah OK”

21 January 2014

Every single god darn night of my life I sit down at my desk to work on one of the many dozens of projects I haven’t been able to finish in six months. And I’ll do a little bit of writing and stare at it and hate it and stand up and fall backwards onto my bed. And then I think, “Well, I really don’t want to be doing anything, period. In fact I’d rather be dead.”

20 January 2014

At a bar in Berkeley last night I watched a bunch of grad students sing and flail their bodies around in a way that just made me feel god damn awful. I was sitting alone at the end of the bar holding some shitty beer and I remembered that in one week I will be twenty-six years old.

A lady leaned over and said, “You OK, man?”

And I said, “No. I’m too cynical for this place.”

“Me too. But we’ll always have our dark corner.” She turned away.

I sat there for a few more minutes watching white people pretend to have the time of their lives and decided then that, as a birthday present to myself, I’m going to fly to Nashville in early February and face total annihilation.

20 January 2014

I remember one night in Austin I was listening to a song I really liked and a girl came over and I liked her too and when I tried to have her listen to the song she said she didn’t want to

18 January 2014

What do you want

What do you god damn animals want from me

Let me lie here

Let me die here

Let me eat my god damn microwaveable popcorn

18 January 2014

I was biking home around midnight from some place called The Beer Garden on Telegraph . . . people I barely know had invited me, and I went along because I thought maybe something strange would happen to me.

Nothing happened. I probably sounded like a bitter jerk who doesn’t like anything. I sat there at a picnic table wearing my stupid scarf and drinking a beer that was so bad it made me angry.

But at midnight . . . midnight, midnight . . . I turned onto my street feeling rotten as hell and I flew past a group of people and I swear I heard a guy shout at me: “When’d you lose your mind, man?”

And I thought, jesus, they’re really going to kill me one of these days.

Make it sooner than later, I thought.

Lose my mind? When?

“Ten god damn years ago!” I should have said. Instead I said nothing. I’m not even sure if he was real.

17 January 2014

I want to say to the Grim Reaper, “What’s it like to be you?”

And I’ll bet that big bastard would bend over and get right in my face

He’d open his mouth wide and release the screams of a billion lost souls writhing in the terrible darkness of eternity

And then he’d stand up and wipe the bile off his chin and we’d go for a walk

17 January 2014

Oakland, California is the Island of Misfit Toys

It is the canary in the coal mine for the apocalypse

It is the Freak Kingdom

And I’m just another freak

17 January 2014

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more and more aware of my smallness. I look around and I’m surrounded by beasts.

After the moon splits in half over the flaming cities of earth, the big ones will eat the little ones. Or kill them for sport probably. One day, I think, some hulking, drooling ogre is going to rip my spine from my body and laugh like hell about it. And I guess I’ll just be small and dead.