I have been taking a little white pill every day for more than half a month, and now finally my mind if razor-sharp again. It was so broken and foggy before.

Here’s the thing: the pain I am feeling now is real, it is not in my head, and it hurts a whole god damn lot.

As long as they promised me Dante would be safely delivered to Laura Rokas in Oakland, California, I would face the firing squad tomorrow.

. . . how’s that for melodramatic!

Well but what if it’s true?

(well, in the tradition of this website sounding like it was written by a teenager. . . .)

whoa this song just came on:

“i’ve been out haunting the neighborhood / and everybody can see i’m no good / when i’m walking out between parked cars / with my head full of stars”

a few minutes later (oh my god i’m back in high school):

“i’m looking at a hand full of broken plans / and i’m tired of playing it down / you just want her to do anything to you / there ain’t nothing that you won’t allow”

(i am aware this song is kind of about heroin)

((the point remains. . . .))

On the way to the grocery store to buy booze I ran out of sidewalk and had to hop someone’s fence so I could get back into the residential neighborhood bordering the street. I noticed every turn along the straight path terminated at a cul-de-sac. The street was an endless corridor of dead ends. In a sort of noir detective voice I said aloud: “Well ain’t that fitting.”

I walked alone in the dark. The street lamps were dim. I don’t know why but a larger conversation that was going on in my head escaped from my mouth just then. I clenched my fists and said pretty loudly: “Motherfuckers!” A man was in his driveway getting something out of his car. I hadn’t seen him before. I saw him now as he stared at me in total bewilderment. I apologized. I told him I was having a rough time and kept walking.

 

As I neared the shopping center I saw a monstrous SUV parked on the street. I sneered at it. I had been sneering at everything. I tried to pick up the huge stupid vehicle so I could hurl it at a nearby house. It seemed like a reasonable thing to want to do at that moment. It ended up being way too heavy.

Instead I fell to my knees in the middle of the street. I looked up at the stars. I addressed whomever was listening:

“I am so tired. I can’t do this anymore. Please don’t make me do this anymore.”

You imagine a future for yourself, and it looks like Avalon or the Garden of Eden, but when you finally get there it is the lobby of a used-car lot and the coffee is cold and there’s a stick of fly tape dangling from the ceiling.

I am about to walk a mile and a half in 20-degree weather to buy a bottle of wine from the nearest grocery store because I am losing my mind and I need to cool it down. Then I am going to walk a mile and a half back and begin a writing project that, given the unprecedented level of productively stemming from my absolute pitch-black ninth-cirle-of-hell despair, I will likely finish by morning.

My life is like the random item block in Mario Kart. It is flipping through possible future scenarios at a million miles an hour and it is making me sick.

I hate to say this, because I know this sort of thing leads to the dark side, but incredulous anger is the only thing allowing me to cope with things right now.

I am well aware that this is almost going to sound like a parody of something I would say (or maybe something some asshole would say): but I am really tired of dealing with people who only think in a sort of 21st century mindset. I know a lot of people like this. They have let the world change them and put pressure on them. They think their lives are ruled by bureaucratic red tape. They have forgotten about The Old Ways, when people just did things because they wanted to. Maybe they never even knew The Old Ways in the first place.

well i’ve been watching ‘the empire strikes back’ at least once a day for a week so why stop now

“look out my window and what do i see / a crack in the sky and a hand reaching down to me / all the nightmares came today / and it looks as though they’re here to stay”