No longer do we live in a world of kings and barbarians. There are no more stories of gigantic sea monsters living in the darkest depths of the ocean, and no more stories of vengeful ghosts lurking in haunted forests. No, the world we live in today is one where humans pay a professional photographer for a headshot so they can use it on their LinkedIn dot com profile.

don’t fake it baby

lay the real thing on me

YEAH

I love you Laura and Tracey. I think of you two many times every single day. Thank you for being such good friends to me.

i feel like my friend died

i have been looping ‘rock & roll suicide’ and crying in the dark for an hour

good-bye david bowie

I always joke that nobody reads this website, but a number of people actually do (though I don’t know why). For those of you who know me in person, and especially for those of you who know me well (my sister, my close friends): I’m sorry if my recent posts have sounded particularly dark and ugly—or worse: that they are devoid of any punchlines whatsoever. (My punchlines are awful though~~)

Despite the fact that I should probably be ashamed of publishing things like this on the internet for anyone to see, I have never shied away from writing down exactly what happens to me or exactly how I feel. I just try to be honest about that stuff is all. And for good or ill, here it is, man. Please don’t worry about me. You don’t need to send me anymore emails about it. I feel like hell but I reckon the lizards haven’t gotten me just yet.

H’okay?

Last night, drunk on terrible wine I found in the back of my grandmother’s refrigerator, I walked for miles and miles beneath a violent rainstorm. It was 3 a.m. and I didn’t know what else to do with myself. I didn’t see any other people out. I didn’t expect to. My clothes got heavy with rainwater. After awhile I stopped feeling cold and my body went numb.

I called my father. I don’t know why I did that. I guess I didn’t know what else to do. When he picked up I told him I just wanted to hear his voice. I needed to hear someone’s voice, and his voice was the one I wanted to hear most of all. We talked for a long time. I told him it was difficult for me to do the normal things. I told him I had been so alone, and was much more alone now, and that I couldn’t figure out why everyone stays away from me, and why I was so easy to forget about. I told him I loved someone and that I didn’t want to live without loving that someone. I said I was so ashamed of being weak and sensitive. He said he didn’t think I was weak, and that it was good that I was a sensitive person because it is important to have to have people like that around. I realize that sounds like something you say to a toddler, but it still made me feel better.

When he hung up I kept walking through dark suburban neighborhoods. The rain fell harder. My socks and shoes were completely filled with water. My face felt raw from the rain. The tip of my nose was solid red. I got lost. I tried to navigate as best I could. It was so, so dark. I made it home an hour later. I was so wet and so cold I had to strip down in the doorway. I was still drunk.

In the dark I felt around the chair where my cat was sleeping. He was very warm. His chest rose and fell like a little accordion. I kissed his head and told him he was very special and that he made me very happy. I promised to take good care of him. I wrapped myself in a nest of blankets and lay there on the floor near his chair till the sun came up.

After crying maybe five or six times over the last four years in moments of total despair, I now find myself crying every single day.

listen, leia organa and han solo, i have been floating around with the rest of the garbage my whole life

(whoa who didn’t see that joke coming)

are you talking to me or are you talking to luke skywalker