i am going to make new business cards that state my occupation as “abandoned amusement park”

i am also going to add “fucked into oblivion four or five times” to my resume

listening to ‘o, my soul’ from radio city and thinking to myself: “o, my soul”

hey guys

hey listen

i know i’ve had a few beers but i have something to say to the “yeah man hahaaha whatever pizza weed hahaaah bummer bro so stoked hahaah rad nothing matters lol” generation, ok

here it is:

y’all’s gonna inherit the earth, all right, but i have bad news: earth is a gigantic flaming toxic dog turd in space that is rapidly eating itself from the inside out

yeah so there you go

seeya

ok listen i’m going to very quickly sum up Being Alive by using a line from roxy music’s “more than this”:

it was fun for awhile

as someone who accidentally became a cartoon character at some point, let me say this about becoming a cartoon character (accidentally or otherwise): people are going to treat you like a cartoon character

i am currently paying off three or four lifetimes worth of absolute pitch-black depression debt

i hope, at my funeral (which, as stipulated in my will is to be held at the peak of mount terror on ross island in antarctica), someone stands up and says, “ryan loved water. he loved drinking it, and he loved being inside of it.” because this would be true

i think it would be nice if my parents knew that

. . . he had genuinely been thinking of late. He saw nothing but death or the advance toward death in everything. But his cherished scheme only engrossed him all the more. Life had to be got through somehow till death did come. Darkness had fallen, upon everything for him; but just because of this darkness he felt that the one guiding clue in the darkness was his work, and he clutched it and clung to it with all his strength.

(anna karenina)

here are some pictures of my dad being nice to his animals and they are the only things keeping me sane right now