I have had a “”family phone plan”” for something like five years now. It is stuffed full of my friends. I can’t fit any more friends! There’s six of these god darn people on this thing!!!

Anyway: I am a sort of overseer, since the plan is in my name and connected to my social security number, and all that. And every month I send everyone an email saying how much they owe and when it’s due. I guess I usually do a Christmas email??? I need to do this year’s ASAP. This is apparently what arrived in everyone’s inbox last year:

subject: MERRY F*CKING CHRISTMAS ……IT’S PHONE BILL TYME

whOOpps!!!!! . . . …..the holidays crept up on me like a HERPES in a WIND TURBINE and gues who forgot to send out this, our sacred phone bill emaill…,,

step right up, folks, cuz uncle sam’s bff corporate america needs your hard-earned blood-soaked smackers!!!!!

RYAN: $44.96
TRACEY: $90.28
LAURA: $25.69
AMANDA: $23.38
MCCUNE: $53.38
KERWIN: $60.03
JASON: $51.72

FEAST YOUR EYES on YOUR DWINDLING BANK ACCOUNT, as you pay exorbitant fees to USE a MIND-POISONING DEVICE you ABSOLUTELY HATE

oK!!!! go forth and lay down some hot bread. keep them fat pigs sweating, why don’t you! we’re on a big fucking roller coaster ride straight to the darkest depths of hell . . . . . … and it’s gonna cost ya big! mucho dinero, baby, going round and round down that big drain called ETERNITY . . . . along with your SOUL and the soul of everyone you’ve ever known??

god bless us, everyone

i’m not on drugs. i’m just having fun

your christmas friend,
RYAN STARSAILOR ☆彡

ok bye lol