Listen: Y’all might not be ready for this. Hell, I don’t think anyone is. My friend Hannah, who is editing this bitch, sent me a near-final cut of ‘Pipefest II’ and I’ll be god danged if it ain’t wild as hell. It needs music. I told her that. This is a music festival and there’s no music in the thing. She said, “Yeah, that’s what Grant said too.” Grant is a good dude. He shot this whole big dumb trailer trash opera. And if he says there should be music, then hell, there should be music.

I asked Hannah and Grant if I was hosting Pipefest II, and they said, “Duh, dude.” So there you have it, I’m hosting Pipefest II. Matt and I are driving down from Portland (which is a beautiful drive, by the way) on May 13th. So hold onto your butts because it’s going to be glue-your-nuts-to-the-ceiling crazy. Pipefest II itself is the very next day, and I’m going to bold the date as well: May 14th. I suppose it will start in the early afternoon. They say there will be food and booze and so on, and I hope to not pay for any of it.

If you’re in Oakland, California, or the Bay Area or whatever, and you don’t come to Pipefest II, you’re a moron. If you live in Belgium and don’t come to Pipefest II, I completely understand, but you really oughta figure out a way to make that work. I mean, what the hell else are you going to do? At any rate, if you do materialize, I will meet you at the gate, and I will embrace you like my brother or sister. I am my own family, but for just one day we can pretend that isn’t the case. Or maybe it’ll end up being true anyway. . . ? Wouldn’t that be gorgeous?

They want me to do this thing in character and of course I want to as well. I’m going to get hammered on cheap beer and roll around in the excrement of the world. The kids can always spot a fake, and there’s no way I’m going to give them anything less than what they deserve. They deserve it all. As always, I’m gonna bleed for my art. I do need to find that blonde wig. I think it’s in the back of that police car, which belongs to my friend Katie. In fact that wig belongs to her too. Thank God she owns that thing. Let’s just hope she still has it, or else I’m going to have to overnight one before the trip. Yeehaw, baby.

(An aside: I have begun to wonder how much of a difference there is between me and my alter ego, who is this sort of used-car salesman Beetlejuice guy named Ryan Starsailor. I guess I am that guy. Or anyway I love crawling inside that guy. Maybe at this point I haven’t crawled out in so long that there’s no going back to the other thing. That’s fine. It’s easier to be this person. I am this person. It is a lot of fun and the Real Stuff hurts a little less. Yes, that’s why I stay in here.)

Anyway! I really am going to post that video . . . as soon as I have the link! This is ground zero for Pipefest II. If’n ya needa know something about it, this is the place to come a’sniffin’ around.

Um: I have a few other dumb announcements. I think I will do that tomorrow. I’m trying to do a nice mixture of long and short posts. I need more short posts though. Are you still here? Please don’t leave me. I swear I’m working hard. I have more to show you. I will show you soon. Don’t go just yet. H’okay?