my best friend dante died today. i did everything i could to try to save him. they put him under anesthesia this morning to attempt one last thing, but his body had gotten so frail from all the illnesses he was battling that if they had woken him, it was only a matter of hours before he would have suffocated from the fluids that had pooled around his weak heart. the pancreatitis he had developed after his surgery had left him extremely ill. in the last 24 hours he had become lethargic and listless and couldn’t even lift his head anymore.
so this morning the doctor took me into the operating room where dante was still asleep on the table and left me alone with him. he was lying on his side beneath a thick wool blanket to keep him warm during the surgery. i put my hand under the blanket and pet his fur. he was still warm and breathing gently. i brushed him and hugged him and kissed his head and told him i loved him. i had this childish thought that maybe he would hear my voice and wake up. i left just before they gave him the shot that would stop his heart. i wanted my last memory of him to be him resting on the table and still breathing.
i have been crying all day and i kind of wish i were dead. i would have gladly suffered through all his pain for myself if i could have. now i’m alone without dante and i have no idea what to do or what i am anymore with him gone. i can’t sleep and my mind keeps torturing with me. at least when he was in the hospital i had some hope. but now it’s just over with and i’ll never see him again for the rest of my life.
many people have written me very sweet messages in the last week. i will reply to all of them. i just need a few days to shake this feeling of wanting to jump in front of a train. thank you for all the donations and kind words. not that i needed a reminder of this, but it really is clear to me that dante was loved by many people.
i wish more than anything that i could hold him and be with him for one more night. but all i can do is wrap myself in his favorite blanket and hope that i can get a few hours of reprieve from the worst day of my entire life.