i have been traveling nonstop since i left berlin almost two months ago, and other than the time i spend getting from one place to the other, i am seldom alone. i mean that in a good way because overwhelming i have been around my friends in nearly a dozen different cities at this point. but when i am alone, i just start thinking about dante and crying.
i took the ferry from san francisco to vallejo the other day and i broke down as soon as i sat down in my chair on the upper level. there weren’t many people on board but i put my sunglasses on to hide my face. i’ve cried on planes and on amtrak and on BART. i cry before i go to sleep at night. i cry whenever i accidentally see a picture of him. i’m crying right now.
what happens now? i wonder. i thought it would get a little easier but it hasn’t. in fact i think it’s gotten worse. even when preoccupying myself with moving around from city to city and staying in the homes of all the good people i know, the reprieve is only temporary. i am in so much pain and i don’t know how to lessen it any more than i already am. nothing works. i know that at the end of whatever it is i’m doing, dante won’t be there waiting for me. it will still just be me. it really makes me want to lie down and die. i guess for now all i can do is keep going.