i reckon i get sort of nervous about getting close to people, because i have a maybe irrational fear that they will finally see me as i see myself

which is to say: i feel like a big dumb idiot jerk . . . a cheap cartoon character with no good thing hiding behind it!

and when i start to sense that maybe they know what i really am, i feel this intense dread and shame and i jerk away and wander off to be alone

i can’t escape being myself, but i can distract and dissociate myself so that i temporarily forget that i am me

oh god! being me . . . what a rip-off. i wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

i am mostly alone in this city for this reason, and a for few others that i hope i never have to think about again

i guess i am not going to stay here anymore

when it’s time to go i’ll just wander off somewhere to be alone, and on and on