11 January 2019

ATTENTION OAKLAND:

Please stop inviting me to Starline Social Club. I’m sorry, but that place fucking sucks. Anytime anyone in Oakland ever invites you somewhere, whether they’ve known you for ten years or you just met them on the internet, or whatever the hell else, they always say the same thing: “How about Starline Social Club?” I get invited there literally once a week. And you know what . . . No!!! That place has no balls whatsoever. It was designed by and for those Oaklandish yuppie posers who EAT CULTURE and turn it into MEANINGLESS TRASH because they have no taste and a whole lot of Daddy Money. They are also the reason my rent is insane. So yeah this place blows big time. I mean let’s be real: this filthy roach motel is for guys who wear fedoras and zoot suits and bullshit like that. It is for cheese-eating Hitler-youth-haircut motherfuckers who have a mile-high stack of GQ Magazine next to their toilets. No way am I setting foot in that godawful hell. I used to live a few blocks away, don’t you know, in Ghost Town. Did you know there are huge homeless encampments nearby? As in you can see them from the sidewalk? And piles of clothes and wet newspaper blowing down the street like fuckin tumbleweeds? It is a dystopian nightmare! And yet here’s this god damn place laughing in the face of all of it. It’s this weird limbo where people who call Oakland “sketch” take their cute Tinder date because it seems Sophisticated and Adult or something. Gross. I don’t know man. Fuck off with that!!

A cursory search on the World Wide Web produces this image:

If this doesn’t make you want to DIE then I don’t know what to do for you. I guarantee you every guy not behind the bar has a degree in JERKING OFF and works at Pandora in downtown Oakland making three or four times as much as me. Cockroaches! Ugh!!!!

IN SHORT: Please stop asking me to go there. I will not go. I will never go to this place. I almost went one time because my friend Penelope asked me to meet her there. I took one whiff of the miasma of cheap cologne wafting out the door like a god damn Biblical plague and got the hell out of there. Yeah. I can’t wait to see this place boarded up six or seven months from now (lol)~

OK BYE