20 May 2019

man, i am at work and i can’t stop crying . . . not over anything in particular i don’t think. it is more like a sort of bodily unburdening . . . like a sneeze or a yawn or a cough! i feel so drained from having been wrenched up all weekend. it was an emotional thing to see my friends who* i had not seen in years, and i felt like i had to be a supercharged version of myself to hide the fact that i actually felt pretty sad. it made me realize how much i had missed them. this is not anyone’s fault, but when i perceive that someone had a larger impact on me than i did them, or that i had, whether i wanted to or not, reserved a place for them in my memory that i revisit because it makes me feel happy to know or have known this person, only to find out that this was not true on the other end . . . well, god help me, i get bummed out. i can’t help it! another thing is that people are always surprised that i remember everything they told me, or that i remembered little details about their lives. well, of course i do! i was listening to you when you told me these things! and i liked you and so it was important to me to hold on to to those memories. i don’t know . . . maybe that’s vain and melodramatic, but then what else is new. i should not go about it that way, and anyway maybe i’m wrong. i can’t expect everyone to be as embarrassingly forthcoming about their feelings as i am. some people just don’t come at the world like that and that is perfectly fine.

anyway.

(*NOTE: i am aware of the grammatical error in this post. i wrote ‘who’ when i should have used ‘whom’, which you use when the subject is him / her / them (versus he / she / they for ‘who’). however, it always sounds pretentious to me, so i omitted the M. deal with it!! (please ignore the irony of this postscript, which is way more pretentious than the issue i created by being purposely wrong. oops!))