OK: I have spent enough time in my hermitage. I am ready to Get Wild again. I feel wild as hell. Someone bankroll an insane expedition for me to go on and I’ll give you no less than 20,000 words about it.

For real: I hopped the fence surrounding a mausoleum tonight and, after hanging out on the steps for some time, another dude hopped the fence and hung out with me. He told me his friend owned a strip club called Rose City Strip, which is maybe the most generic name for a Portland strip club there is. Anyway, he told me that in the next week or two they will be crowning Miss Heavy Metal Oregon or something, which is to say they’re going award a stripper some sort of award. I don’t know what you have to do to win. It sounded awful. I am definitely going, and I am definitely going to write about it. Why the heck not?

ANYWAY: For God’s sake, someone give me a rental car and a tape recorder and point me towards something and I’ll give you gold. C’mon!!!!!!!!