LISTEN: i use public restrooms from time to time, ok? and i have noticed that, probably more than half the time, y’all ain’t washing your dang hands. that’s straight up gross y’all. i just want you to know that while you may think you’ve gotten away with it, you haven’t. i’ve got my eye on you motherfuckers. maybe i’m writing a public dossier on all y’all. maybe not! though hey, no matter how you want to play it, you ain’t foolin THE LORD, and you sure as shit ain’t foolin ME.
as much as it pains me to invoke a fuckin gif, this’n right here pretty much Sums It Up for me:
there are of course Hand-washing Posers. QUOTH my spirit-brother TIM ROGERS:
yeah!! i’ve seen y’all too!!!
by washing your hands, you are performing a (ahem) REQUIRED or at least expected public service. you are helping to stop the spread of Your Own Disgusting Germs. and by not washing your hands, you have revealed yourself to be a most heinous individual . . . selfish, thoughtless, and fuckin gross!!! you wanna be in this world, you gotta abide by the social contract you signed the moment you took your first little baby breath outside of the womb. you want to wipe your ass with your hand with no repercussions? then go live in the fuckin woods dude. hit the bricks, pal, and beat it ’cause you are going out!!!
and to those of you who come to my house and don’t wash your hands . . . what the hell, dude. i notice, ok!!
and to those of you who don’t use dish soap when you wash your dishes . . . what the hell!! get the hell out of here already.
and for god’s sake put the fucking toilet seat down before you flush, you maniacs!!!
my roommate matt says i have an almost howard hughsian aversion to germs. maybe so. i don’t mind getting dirty, you know. i’m a walking grease slick, for god’s sake . . . but at least i don’t have human feces on my hands!!!!!!!
