Years ago my father and I were visiting his side of the family in Tennessee. We went to see my great uncle Pete, who took us out into his yard to show us his garden. I remember he walked over to a tall green plant growing beside his barn and cut off a few leaves with his pocket knife. He gave us each a leaf and put some in his mouth.

“You know what that is, Hal?”

We started munching on the stuff.

“That’s sassafras, Hal.”

Pete wandered away to check on his cantaloupes and my dad leaned in close to me and said, “You should spit that out. These are just weeds.”


I love you, little dude!!! You are asleep on my lap as I type this!!!!!

My friend Alayna once said a thing about her family that I have applied to humans in general: “Every time I see them I understand them a little more, and a little less.”

I am wearing purple underwear and red socks and I’m about to do a bunch of pull-ups and glug down some wine and walk past Victory Burger to see if the girl I have a crush on is working tonight

Yeah baby!!!

Here is an epitaph for a guy who, in life, was pretty decent:


The worst thing I can say about anyone is that I can’t place them in any other time period than the one they’re in

Seriously that is a very sad thing to me that I think about a lot

First they create a planet 

And they fill it with dummies who ruin everything 

And who make it all real miserable 

And then they tell you to abstain from anything that might bring you a little bit of comfort