RYAN STARSAILOR
☆ミ
1988–2022
HE LIVED IN IT
HE DIED IN IT

i wanted to say this but i got embarrassed

i don’t give a damn anymore

the night david bowie died i called laura and we cried on the phone together

i walk into empty rooms and drive by empty houses where i used to live and where my friends used to live

i don’t know any of those people anymore

i cry in the car

the mailman stopped next to me at the red light sees me

i cry in public places in front of everyone

i cry in the checkout line

i drive by the places where my cats are buried

i park in the cemetery where my friends are buried

i go to the field near my old house, way out there, by the tree where M and i talked ten years ago, and i start screaming

i wonder what makes me so disposable

i come home and hold dante and open a bottle of the blood of christ

i would give just about anything for someone to touch me right now

i’ve earned a few favors, can’t you just put your arms around me

please don’t leave me alone like this

i loved and cared about you all very much

i would have done anything if you’d asked me to

i hope you know that

one last adventure

i have been miserable every day of my life for 15 years and i don’t know how to make it go away

i took this when i first moved to california

this is what my notes looked like when i used to sit in on meetings at this company that was run by morons

every day when i wake up, i make coffee while dante watches me from the counter, and then i go puff his fur up and sing to him

Hey why not, here is The Agenda For Today, or “The Heavy Work I Must Complete To Earn My Place In Heaven.” Yup:

• finish reworking “DEATH-YODELS FROM THE DEEP: A YEAR WITH ROCK & ROLL” (I think this is going up tonight)
• edit the hell out of my novel, which, for GOD’S SAKE, I’m finally going to publish
• I wrote a little skit, I need to film it
• feel all right, drink some coffee
• help my needy cat have a fulfilling day
• outline the next Gritt Calhoon tale, which is mostly written in my head as much as you can really write those things, which is tentatively titled “Gritt Calhoon and The Big-Ass Hole In The Ground” (it is about Gritt discovering a big-ass hole in the ground and then investigating it)
• I have decided the next Gritt tale will star “old Gritt.” After I finish it I’m going to publish a four-story book with his adventures up until this point

yeah baby what’s up