Man, some of y’all are hardcore using slang that didn’t exist like two months ago. It’s nuts. That shit spreads like VD at summer camp.

I met a stranger at the grocery store. She texted me this a few minutes ago:

You know your Instagram makes it look like u live at home with ur parents right? And that u really want a gf and watch too much old comedy shows

God dang it, I love it!! This is like the greatest non-compliment I’ve ever gotten in my life. She was very confused when I told her I was screaming with laughter over this.

Man, I decided to stop watching ‘Meet Joe Black’ an hour ago, which was eighteen minutes into its running time, and yet here I am still watching it. It is not very good and feels hecka “late ’90s.” Aw, hell, I’m sticking with this thing anyway even though it is three hours long for no good reason.

There is a huge lightning storm going on outside. I can hear the rain coming down hard on my roof. This storm is massive! It hit the coast a few days ago and somehow caused some tornadoes near the ocean or something??

I have lit some candles and Dante is asleep on my legs. Still watchin this dumb schlocky movie. It sucks. I love it.

Every time Laura and I go to Trader Joe’s, we send the other a picture of our Teeny Tiny Little Baby Cup of Coffee. A few times now we have realized that we are simultaneously drinking Teeny Tiny Little Baby Cups® of Coffee in our respective cities—drinking li’l coffees in sync from 600 miles away!

Well: Trader Joe’s had some sort of pumpkin cheesecake thing the other day and it ruled. Ella took this picture of me because it seemed important to me to include both the cheesecake and the coffee!! I had a good time with both of them.

P.S. Does anyone else take on an Edward Scissorhands complexion beneath Trader Joe’s lights? Man, I don’t know. I have the flesh of a dead person when I’m walking around in that place.

I have been looking at coffins on Craigslist for hours. They’re pretty easy to come by apparently. That’s kinda neat! It’s also, uhhh, kinda something else altogether.

If I am elected President this November, I propose we build two new circles of Hell—the tenth and eleventh circles respectively—which, yes, will go below the dark and frozen oblivion where weeping Satan is entombed in ice for all eternity.

The tenth circle will be reserved for sinners who in life were the first to leave a comment on a woman’s Instagram picture with something like:

• “Gorgeous.”
• “Fucking beautiful.”
• “You are art.”

The eleventh circle will contain those human-sharped fart clouds on Instagram who call themselves photographers (their parents bought them a DSLR in college), and who post heavily Photoshopped pictures of mountains and waterfalls and fog and Iceland and shit like that—and who write obnoxious multiple-paragraph-length captions about finding yourself in nature and living simply and other hollow disingenuous drivel.

Both of these Human Subtypes have essentially the same modus operandi: “I hope someone notices me so I can get laid.”

. . . which would make them candidates for the second circle of Hell—where those who were driven by lust are forever damned to sway violently in an unending storm!!

But there must be a more severe punishment. Lust is one thing. This is something far worse. It is an invisible sickness unique to the 21st century and it can be rebuffed by, uh, not being a huge dumb turd.

Anyway this post was written in jest. At least I think it was! And thus concludes, for today at least, my ongoing treatise decrying the morally- and spiritually-bankrupt hellhole of a world we find ourselves imprisoned within.

(lol)

So long for now~!!

Today Dante and I made a video about a skeleton friend of mine. It was real cool! It also took way too long. I don’t know if y’all have ever tried setting up dozens of shots by yourself, but it is extremely time-consuming! Especially because I then have to frame myself in those shots, and do multiple takes, and so on. I don’t even want to get into the editing process!! God, I really need to hire that intern.

Anyway: Here are some pictures I took while I was filming because why the heck not. I spent all day with that little skeleton, and during that time he or she endeared themselves to me. I’m serious! I love that thing now. I feel really bad that I accidentally broke its leg off.

OK!

Little lamb, who made thee??

Oh man

I’m going to start writing those things again

I have promised myself to do at least two or three a week~

if i found a magic lamp and i rubbed it and a genie came out and offered to grant me three wishes, my first wish would be to never hear a bob dylan song ever again