there is a good story about this, which i have written about on this very website, but i ain’t gonna tell you where it is!

Once upon a time, I, Ryan Starsailor, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was Starsailor. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a Starsailor dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a Starsailor.

. . .

How do I know that enjoying life is not a delusion? How do I know that in hating death we are not like people who got lost in early childhood and do not know the way home? Lady Li was the child of a border guard in Ai. When first captured by the state of Jin, she wept so much her clothes were soaked. But after she entered the palace, shared the king’s bed, and dined on the finest meats, she regretted her tears. How do I know that the dead do not regret their previous longing for life? One who dreams of drinking wine may in the morning weep; one who dreams weeping may in the morning go out to hunt. During our dreams we do not know we are dreaming. We may even dream of interpreting a dream. Only on waking do we know it was a dream. Only after the great awakening will we realize that this is the great dream. And yet fools think they are awake, presuming to know that they are rulers or herdsmen. How dense! You and Confucius are both dreaming, and I who say you are a dream am also a dream. Such is my tale. It will probably be called preposterous, but after ten thousand generations there may be a great sage who will be able to explain it, a trivial interval equivalent to the passage from morning to night.

lol man i love living inside of a surreal cartoon and guess what!!! i’m never comin out

i feel like i’ve posted this a million times and laura hates it, but this is me and my best buddy on my 27th birthday at missouri lounge a few years ago~

kelsey and i made a new video and i’m posting it eleven hours from now lol

UPDATE:

https://instagram.com/p/Bsn7jNNB3RB/

yeah baby!!!!

leila’s old house in new orleans

whoa

that was a long time ago now

IT’S OFFICIAL:

Laura “Ruby Red” Bérubé-Rökäs and I are BARTENDING at WOLFMAN BOOKS in downtown Oakland, California next Saturday from six (6) to nine (9) pm. It is, as Laura put it: “. . . a fundraiser to help pay artist stipends for the artist lecture series I [Laura] was asked to curate,” which is called THE PAINTING SALON, which (who?) started following me on Instagram today. We are going to be very cute and cool, so come on by. Laura has assured me there will be babes there, present company included!!

So:

WOLFMAN BOOKS
410 13th St.
Oakland, CA 94612
☆
Saturday, January 19th
6–9 pm PST

See y’all there b*tch!!!!!!

well . . . i went and had me a real hell of a god damn night last night. i drove real fast with a stranger, and on and on. maybe i’ll tell y’all about it sometime lol

anyway: i’m in my nintendo 64 t-shirt that my faraway friend jackleen gave to my very close and good and cool friend kelsey to give to me. this shirt is huge and beautiful. thanks jackleen and kelsey. i’m thinking: yes, i cannot wait to see my detroit friends lo(gan) and storm and ari and the very same jackleen next month. i am very excited ok. i’m staying with logan somewhere or another. kelsey, who is from detroit, has told me the name of this neighborhood a whole bunch of times and i have forgotten it each time. i’m sorry. but anyway, yeah: logan i are getting $3 wine from aldi and doing face masks and holding her cats. i love her. she’s so cute and sweet. man, yeah!!!! it’ll be cool, and cute and sweet.

and apparently, uh, my old friend and Movie Buddy is coming to see me at the end of the week, so hell . . . that sure is a nice thing too. i missed her!!!

laura said she and i are going to be bartending at some art fundraiser the next day? and i get free beer and half the tips? yeah ok. when i finally get around to asking her what the hell this thing is, i’ll post details here so y’all can come around and hang out with us if y’all wanna. i mean! this is world-famous french canadian multimedia artist laura rokas we’re talking about! and whatever i am! and we’ll be together in downtown oakland slingin beers for a bunch of turds. man, that sounds great.

dear amissa, my sweet friend in los angeles: i am waking up tomorrow and immediately watching NIGHT OF CABIRIA, which you kindly sent me in the mail a few weeks ago. did i tell you i actually ended up with two copies of it? amazon delivered it twice. whoooops. i will post a 200-300 word review of it on this very website. yes. yes!!!

finally: dante is on my lap and i really ought to go to sleep. my stomach is full of golden lotus, cuz my sister and her boyfriend took me and matt and rachel k. there earlier tonight. it ruled. and you know, i usually don’t like writing straight journal entries like this, though hell, whatever . . . i went and did it anyway. i’ll have a lot more to say tomorrow unfortunately. matt and i rewatched THE LORD OF THE RINGS over the course of the entire day and it has put me in a place, man. i wanna stay in that place for a while. i think the only way to do that is to eat this little passion flower pill my new friend reed instructed me to take. it really does work. you go right to sleep, and it is beautiful sleep. i want very much to have that~!

ok love y’all~~ ☆彡

whoa molly

i love you molly. if you read this: you’re great and i miss you