my friend jocelyn called me at 1 a.m. the other night while her mind was blasted into space on account of a certain kind of mushrooms she had eaten. she was walking home from temescal back to lake merritt and needed someone to comfort her. i am the person to call, i think, because i would never judge someone for ingesting a controlled substance. i mean, come on. we talked for about an hour, her speaking abstractly, and me trying to reassure her that she would not die.

anyway: at some point she said she had to go, and so i hung up. i tossed my phone onto my bed and kept working on this here website you’re reading. she called back a few times, but i couldn’t hear the vibrations from my phone because they were being absorbed into my mattress. she left me a really good voicemail, which i sent her the next morning. she apologized and we both laughed like hell about it, because what else can you do?? sometimes you just get in a State Of Mind, man . . . and then you get out of it, and it’s funny.

this is the transcript. keep in mind she was all mushroomed up and walking through pitch-black mosswood park, which i am sure had imprinted itself onto her soul as well. and also . . . her tone is jokey. god i love it:

I fucking hate your voicemail. I feel like you set it up just to talk shit to me, and I need you the most right now, and you’re ignoring me . . . and you probably have like nine million voicemails left from a million other girls on drugs and that’s fucked up too and I-hate-you-bye.

my voicemail message, by the way, sounds like this (and it might be loud so crank that shit down low at first):

 

. . . and i’ve had it for probably four or five years! it is polarizing. as you can see, jocelyn didn’t go for it, at least right then and right there at that point in time and space. who could blame her!!!

AN ASIDE: i use the royal “we” in my voicemail message to hide my numbers. y’all don’t even know how many of me there are, and you never will!!!!!!!

jocelyn, i’m glad you made it home OK. i’m sorry i missed your calls!!

the 2019 starsailor MO

i asked my friend grant gleason, who is a hell of a guy, if he’d take some Publicity Photos of me for my growing media empire (that’s a joke), and this son of a bitch shot back with: “I’d love to.”

and so i have asked him to help me sort of recreate the final panel here, what with my great love for uppers and downers and screamers and laughers, and me having wild black hair and all. . . .

i am not tetsuo though. i am kaneda!

yeah, well, anyway . . . i still think pills are kinda cool. they’re just like candy!

twin demons in the city of angels

so: in safari on iOS, if you tap the address bar at the top to put in another URL, there are search recommendations above the keyboard, which are based on the content of the tab you have open

for instance, were you to tap the address bar while on the wikipedia entry for moby-dick, you would see this:

yeah ok so that makes sense

what happens when you tap on starsailor dot co?

well:

oops lol

there is nothing worse than accidentally making eye contact with someone who is eating a hotdog, which of course is exactly what i just did

I worked like hell today on finally finishing the sub-site for Kermit’s funeral, which was heavily documented by the 30 (!) or so people there. I got all these pictures and shit and I’ve got to put them somewhere, since this website acts as my extended memory, I guess . . . and also because just as we must remember the dead, so too must we remember the Final Ritual. My friend Kermit deserves nothing less. (And uhh people have been asking me about this forever, so yeah!)

See: I designed a whole suite of sub-sites, don’t you know. The only reason I haven’t posted them yet was because there was something squirrelly going on with the backend stuff and it was giving me hell. Which is to say I had to teach myself some new WordPress shit. I figured it out today! Each, uh, sub-site, or whatever, has its own design. Isn’t that cute? It took some finessing to make such a thing possible, but I had the power of prescription amphetamines on my side. You wouldn’t believe the things you can do while jacked up on this poison!!!

Maybe I shouldn’t! yet say this! but I did hear a rumor that Kermit is to return next month. Or anyway that’s what some homeless dude on San Pablo told me the other night when I was biking around. He stopped me in front of Donut Farm, grabbed my arm like the Ancient Mariner, had me sit sown on a bench and told me about a dream he’d had. He said someone or something was using his mind as a clairvoyant conduit to dispense such revelations upon an unsuspecting world. Yes, and in his dream he had seen Kermit alive again, and upon waking went to place he had been in his head, which of course lead him to my street, having been invisibly guided by forces unseen to him. There he felt slow vibrations beneath the earth . . . little tremors that can only come from the stirring of the restless dead. So maybe Kermit really is going to come back in April. Maybe even around Easter. I suppose he is not yet done with this world. I can’t say I haven’t missed him. I hope that this man’s dream really was a premonition. I’m willing to believe, anyway, because, hell, you’ve got to do something.

At any rate, I guess I should have another party and get everyone together in my backyard and see what happens?? Expect an invitation in the mail soon!!

Hi-ho~

i’ve been watching every studio ghibli movie . . . one a day! and after many years of watching HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE, and watching it again today, i gotta say: i’m definitely howl lol

he takes three hot baths over the course of the movie for god’s sake

and dante is calcifer, because calcifer was a shooting star that howl caught in his hands to save him. they are spirit-brothers as a result, and are part of each other. also, calcifer guards howl’s castle, just as dante guards my fortified compound when i am away. yeah!!

LISTEN: i use public restrooms from time to time, ok? and i have noticed that, probably more than half the time, y’all ain’t washing your dang hands. that’s straight up gross y’all. i just want you to know that while you may think you’ve gotten away with it, you haven’t. i’ve got my eye on you motherfuckers. maybe i’m writing a public dossier on all y’all. maybe not! though hey, no matter how you want to play it, you ain’t foolin THE LORD, and you sure as shit ain’t foolin ME.

as much as it pains me to invoke a fuckin gif, this’n right here pretty much Sums It Up for me:

there are of course Hand-washing Posers. QUOTH my spirit-brother TIM ROGERS:

yeah!! i’ve seen y’all too!!!

by washing your hands, you are performing a (ahem) REQUIRED or at least expected public service. you are helping to stop the spread of Your Own Disgusting Germs. and by not washing your hands, you have revealed yourself to be a most heinous individual . . . selfish, thoughtless, and fuckin gross!!! you wanna be in this world, you gotta abide by the social contract you signed the moment you took your first little baby breath outside of the womb. you want to wipe your ass with your hand with no repercussions? then go live in the fuckin woods dude. hit the bricks, pal, and beat it ’cause you are going out!!!

and to those of you who come to my house and don’t wash your hands . . . what the hell, dude. i notice, ok!!

and to those of you who don’t use dish soap when you wash your dishes . . . what the hell!! get the hell out of here already.

and for god’s sake put the fucking toilet seat down before you flush, you maniacs!!!

my roommate matt says i have an almost howard hughsian aversion to germs. maybe so. i don’t mind getting dirty, you know. i’m a walking grease slick, for god’s sake . . . but at least i don’t have human feces on my hands!!!!!!!

AND THUS CONCLUDES
YET ANOTHER LONELY DIATRIBE.
I RETIRE NOW TO THE HOLE IN THE GROUND
FROM WHENCE I SADLY CRAWLED!!!

thanks jenny 💜

i had just gotten back from a three-hour bike ride and i was really stoned lol