this is exactly what i would say if someone pointed a gun at me lol

aw man

well, it’s easy to write nice things about my friend pallas because she’s a very special person

i just got lucky meeting her is all

yeah~

till peace we find tell ya what i’ll do!! all the things i own i will share with you!!!

look what came in the mail lol

the other night i was about to watch HOUSE OF BAMBOO on the criterion channel when i noticed something was off . . . so i emailed them!

haaaah! those beautiful sons of bitches fixed it immediately!!

luv2help

my best friends

i hang on to old voicemails like they’re sacred artifacts. and sometimes in the middle of the night i’ll listen to some of them and feel a sort of sadness because i miss that person

tonight i went through and deleted ones that were left by people who are gone forever. i listened to each of them a half dozen times, over and over, and then wiped them from the face of the earth. i had to or else i’ll go insane and keep feeling haunted. deleting them was soul-crushingly miserable and it annihilated me. time to go to sleep

this will surprise exactly no one but i really do have nightmares every single night and it sucks

i wake up in a sort of psychological terror

well, what can you do

i wrote this one winter night in berlin, a week or so before my birthday, when i was living in neukölln and missing everyone back in oakland

it’s melodramatic of course, but it still rings true and it hurts:

If it’s not fun it’s not worth doing . . . and I know that if I stopped believing in myself then there will be no one left to believe in me, and I’d finally vanish. I miss these people who are gone. Do they miss me too? The worst feeling in the world is knowing you never meant as much to that other person as they did and still do mean to you. It can’t have all been for nothing, though grimly I know now that it was. It had to end, and it did. Time bottlenecked into this and left me here alone on the other side. Where are you now? Have you left me the last of the dum dum daze? Where are you now when I need your noise? The walls close in and I need some noise.

i have got to get out of this fucking city as soon as possible lol