i saw a new psychiatrist today. he’s an old man with a long white beard and long white hair. he looks like a wizard. he is dr. wizard. he was very kind to me. he said i’m in rough shape, but that he was going to help me feel better and finally sleep again . . . gave me a prescription for some medication, the name of which i can’t make out on the paper he gave me. apparently it’s a mood stabilizer and does something to my brain to shut it down for six hours so i can get some relief from this utter horseshit i’ve been dealing with. he advised me not to drink or do a bunch of drugs, and i said i was gonna try to do follow through on that . . . though he did sanction the occasional LSD trip, what with it being berkeley and all, as long as i don’t overdo it. i mean, hell, it is therapeutic, and i’ve got two tabs that i was saving anyway. . . .

i noticed that during the entire session he kept looking at my hands, which i was wringing and pulling on and so on. i wasn’t nervous or anything, but i guess i was real close to crying in front of this dude within 10 minutes of talking to him, and somehow that distracted me enough not to do it. maybe next time i’ll just let loose and lay it on him. he was so gentle and grandfatherly that i reckon he’d be OK with it. and anyway, i really need to cry. i need to cry so badly i think i’m gonna bust.

anyway. thanks dr. wizard. he said in so many words that he’s gonna save my life, at least for a little while longer. i’m 30 years old for shit’s sake and i’m already out of juice. how do other people do it? keep going? i guess the answer is that some people just don’t. i asked my sister today if she’d understand if one day not far from now i just died in the snow somewhere. i told her my dream was to be in some sort of shootout in the snow . . . you know like i plugged a few guys who were after me, but they plugged me too, and there i am bleeding out into the cold winds of a blizzard i’ll never escape from. wait, maybe that’s just the ending to one of my favorite movies. . . .

well, shit, whatever. it’s not a bad way to go.

my sister said she’d understand, but that the knowledge of my impending death wouldn’t make it any easier. yeah i can see that. after all, it’s not so much the death itself that puts your tit in a wringer, sad though it may be . . . but rather all the years you gotta keep living on after someone is gone and you missing the hell out of them, what with them being gone forever now.

i’m going to take these god damn pills is what i’m going to do. we’ll see what happens. that’s all you can ever really do is wait around and see what happens. it’s just so damn lonely anymore is all. i’m serious as a heart attack: can someone come on over and just hold me? i know that sounds sadder than hell, but i really do mean it. i’m real honest on this website and that right there is an honest sentiment. i’m so tired, man. i just wanna fall asleep with someone still awake in my bed, you know? like reading right next to me. i wanna get under my comforter and burrow my head into someone’s side while they’re sitting upright and reading . . . maybe put an arm on my back or something if they’re feeling generous. is anyone looking for a boyfriend? i’ll come to you, if that’s what it takes, provided you’ve recently washed your sheets. i sure will do that. it’s just so damn lonely.

you know what a guy from work did for me the other day? he gave me a card for a free acupuncture session. on the card it says the free session does not include a $10 new client fee, so he gave me $10 too. can you believe that? he said: “you need some rest, man.” maybe he reads this, or maybe i just look like utter shit anymore. another guy i work with, this real son of a bitch i like a whole lot, a friend of mine, he gave me an ativan to sleep. it worked, but i’m out of them now. i sure am thankful for that sleep i got though.

really though, can you believe how nice everyone has been to me? i’ve gotten a dozen or so emails from a dozen or so strangers and faraway people who have written to me to say they understand how i feel, and they wish there was something they could do to help me. i got people coming over to my house to watch movies with me, people going on walks with me, people going grocery shopping with me, people driving me around in their cars and talking to me. i get so choked up about it i can hardly breathe. not since dante got sick have i experienced such an outpouring of generosity and thoughtfulness from so many people. i don’t mean to get all sentimental but it’s true. hell. everyone’s rallied to save the starsailor. i don’t know what i did to deserve this. the only thing more i could ask of you fine people is to make sure my dead bullet-riddled body stays in the snow. don’t you dare touch it!

ok, well . . . i’m going to climb in bed with dante and read MOBY-DICK and pray to our heavenly father who art in heaven to please oh my god let me fucking sleep a dark dreamless sleep tonight. i am so sick of sleeping for 20 minutes and then waking up in a panic all drenched in sweat because of the horrifying nightmares i keep having. i know that a few paragraphs up i made a desperate plea for some goodly person to hold me and share my bed with me, and so my current sleep habits sound less than appealing . . . but i’m telling you: i’ll even out with you in the room. jesus christ, it’s so damn lonely anymore. i’ve had a lot taken away from me recently, and have been given a lot back by a lot of real good people . . . but man oh man if one amongst you could just freakin show up at my fortified compound on the oakland-berkeley border and put a gentle hand over my head or my back or whatever, i sure would appreciate it. the heat is on and my cat is freshly brushed (lol). the refrigerator is full, if you can believe it, but only cuz i have no appetite and haven’t eaten more than a few apples in the last week and a half. you can have whatever you want. i’ll make you breakfast and drive you to work in the morning. i’ll give you a big-ass hug and a friendly letter you can open after i’m gone. great creeping jesus, people! you won’t find a better deal than that!