If 50% of your sentence is made up of proper nouns related to pop culture, internet jargon, words owned by corporations, or words that didn’t exist six months ago then . . . uh . . . whoa man . . . good luck with the rest of your life I guess

At Lowe’s just now:

Me: “Excuse me, do you carry wood glue?”

Lowe’s Dude: “Like glue for wood?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Me, inside my head, as I listen to people laugh and / or talk about things they find funny): “You can’t possibly think any of this is actually funny.”

i just realized i’ve been drinking everything out of a measuring cup for probably a week now

Hey I made a new website. Or rather I came up with it and prototyped it (lol) two years and never did anything with it. Two of my friends and I wrote all the things you see up right now. My plan was to write like a hundred of these and then release it into the wild, but I guess I’m just going to go ahead and shoot it out into space right now! It is called DEAD TYMES and it is entirely made up of newspaper scraps from a dark apocalyptic hellscape of a future. Here:

I’m gonna do one every other day, unless I feel like doing one a day. I will probably write one every day now that I think of it . . . I’ll just wake up and bang one out. I actually already have ideas for like fifty more, which I have written down on a piece of paper that has hearts all over it that I found in my grandmother’s house. I am also employing several other secret writers, but hell, I ain’t gonna tell you who they are!

Another secret is that maybe I accept submissions?? Maybe!

Anyway tell me what you think!!!

Baby Toots!!!!

i like my coffee black, my toast halfway burnt, and my nightmares to be screaming black vortexes where fell creatures fill my polluted brain with dark prophesies of things to come

as long as i live i will never understand people who feel the need to be loud in the morning

my open hand is facing upwards, the thing falls into my hand, i close my hand, i twist my wrist, my closed hand is facing downwards, i open my hand, the thing drops away

for real though, you’re all just pissin in the wind