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John McCauley from Deer Tick posted a picture today, and hey, he’s wearing a California Raisins T-shirt I gave him for Christmas when I was in Rhode Island a few years ago. Cool!!

Ella came over for Dudes and we watched ‘The Departed,’ which I think I’ve seen maybe thirty times. We were hootin and hollerin and havin us a good old time. Afterwards it was late for her and early for me, but hell, we needed something to do, and so we drove up to Reed College. Ella told me she’d never been there and I think she liked it all right.

In the courtyard where I once jumped around a bounce house with some freshmen, I found a thing to sit on, and so I sat on it:

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. . . I thought it was bolted to the ground, but it definitely wasn’t. And so as soon as I started sipping my coconut milk beverage-thing, and rocking around on that huge spring, whatever animal I’m seated upon began to fall apart and I almost landed on my face. I got off. I had to. I got off and I continued to look twelve years old someplace else.

We walked around the whole school. It was mostly deserted on account of it being summer. We found a rainbow bridge floating in the darkness:

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. . . and crossed it to get to the dorms. A young woman approached us near the, uh, soccer (???) field and asked if we had access to her building. I guess she’d gotten locked out or something. I said, “I reckon I don’t.” And she said she was bound to find someone else who did, and walked off. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we were just a couple of creeps with no actual ties to the university.

We drove to Roxy diner downtown and ate breakfast foods. It cost me a little under $10. It is the only non-bill-related thing I can afford to do for myself for the rest of the month, and maybe longer than that. It was nice sitting there, though, eating pancakes and eggs and so on. There were quite a few people in there and everyone seemed friendly. I like that place a whole lot. It is maybe the only reason I ever go downtown.

In the morning Ella asked me to take a quiz to determine which ‘Sailor Moon’ character I am. Guess what, jerks? I’m Sailor Pluto:

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Hell yeah, dude. Taken straight from the ‘Sailor Moon’ wiki: “Her attacks are based around time, the underworld, space, darkness, death, precognition, and powers granted by her Garnet Orb.” I love all that stuff! I love that stuff more than anything, actually. Also: “. . . her sailor suit is colored in black and garnet.” I’m a January baby, man. My birthstone is garnet. I myself wear a black sailor suit as well, if you know what I mean!!

Anyway I love her. She’s cool. I wish I were as cool as her. I am just a pale imitation.

Speaking of pale, Did You Know™: I haven’t been outside during the day in probably two weeks? I haven’t gone to sleep before 6 a.m. in about a month. I ain’t even kidding. What’s going on, Ryan? Who knows. Maybe I’ll know sometime soon. Maybe not!

When I do wake up today in the late afternoon, I’m going to SE Grind with my buddy Matt. And I’m going to get me a big cup of coffee (I have earned a free drink with my punch card~) and work there until I feel like crying.

One last thing: I am starting a forum. Yeah. Remember those? They’re so cool. Why don’t people use them anymore? Anyway it’s going to be secret. It’s going to be like a hidden fortress where my buddos and I hang out and avoid civilization. OK? Maybe I’ll tell you about it sometime.

But now I must take a double dose of magnesium and go to my own sort of underworld~

Good-bye my babies~~

☆ミ

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The greatest artist who ever lived!!! RIP, my brother.

Dante threw up on me while I was sleeping. At first I was upset about it, because it truly is a terrible way to be woken up, but then I realized the dude felt real bad. See: Dante is a huge furry cat. And when summer rolls around, he sheds his massive winter coat—and a lot of it he eats while grooming! So over the course of three hours I watched him barf up four (!) hairballs that were probably four to five inches (!) in length. Uh, whoa! I ain’t gonna lie: I caught two of them in my hands. For some reason cats like to throw up on carpets and beds, and not hardwood floors, or any other easily cleanable surface . . . so when he jumped on my bed and started retching, I held my hands beneath his mouth and caught both of them. I gagged. If you’ve never touched a hairball, uh, it is real disgusting. The texture of it is soft and slimy and alien-like, and of course it is warm and covered in stomach-y fluids.

Yup!

Anyway: Hain’t pretty stuff, I’ll tell you that. Dante felt like hell afterwards, and so I made him a little blanket fort and he crawled inside and whimpered and then fell asleep. I slept beside him for several hours. He woke me up again later in the vening, but this time he felt very good and did not throw up on me. He stood on my chest and gently pawed at my face. I asked him if he was hungry and he went insane and ran into the kitchen. I fed him and gave him water. Dude was probably dehydrated as heck.

He’s OK now . . . maybe better than before. I don’t doubt that having a pound of hair lodged in your intestinal tract makes you feel sluggish.

Sometimes when people get depressed they buy themselves a bunch of shit. I don’t do that. I buy Dante stuff instead. It’s much much cheaper, and I like watching that dude have a good old time. I ordered him a huge tin of catnip and some treats and a ‘Cat Dancer’ toy. This is the dumbest thing ever. It is a just a long piece of metal with a couple of cardboard tubes on either end. It costs about $2. Dante loves this thing. I don’t know why. I mean I guess I could try to imagine why, but yeah, he loses his mind when I pull this thing out. This is probably the tenth or eleventh one I’ve bought for him.

Also, it has great packaging. This is what it looks like:

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Hah!!! I love it. Look at that mouse, man. He’s all confused and shit. He doesn’t get it. In that sense, we are the mouse. The mouse is us.

(lol)

“The Original Interactive Cat Toy.” That can’t be true. Surely there were other interactive cat toys before the Cat Dancer. Man I don’t know!!!

Dante is in the living room now. I have just fed him and given him some catnip. I love that dude. If I didn’t have that dude I would have a difficult time taking care of myself. He keeps me straight, I guess, in the same way having a kid would. Dante is not my son, though—he’s just my friend. I love my friend. I need my friend. I’m glad he’s feeling better.

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Y’all havin a good summer or what????

(Notice how I am both drinking a slurpee, and having my other slurpee stolen by a shark~)

Hey y’all just FYI I added ‘Lethal Weapon’ 1–3 to my Netflix queue, and I plan to have a real good time with them on Thursday. Come on over, baby!! Let’s do this!!!

A guy I work with, who is a real good guy, calls me “the asexual nihilist” which . . . oh God. I don’t know, man. I don’t particularly like that, but what are you gonna do.

(I once knew a woman who self-identified as a “nihilist,” and I’ll tell you what, I thought that was terrifying. Maybe it’s even more terrifying to me now. I heard her say this at a party. She phrased it as a sentence! She said: “I’m a nihilist.” Oh no. Please, no!)

((‘Nihil’ is a cool word, but for heaven’s sake, don’t include me in that bullhockey!!)

(((But for real—*exhales massive cloud of weed-smoke*—what kind of psychopath self-identifies as anything? When people do that it just makes me feel like they’re desperate to belong to something, or to avoid actually having to produce their own original thoughts??? . . . or maybe they’re just bored, now that human beings don’t have to fight sabertooth tigers anymore. I don’t know. Do whatever you like, man. What do I care~~~~ I’m just an idiot~~~~~~~)))

Tonight I went to SE Grind and edited the heck out of ‘Gritt Calhoon and the Midnight Assault.’ I did this because I’m turning it into one of them “ebooks” to sell in my store. I cleaned it up real good and changed some stuff. Here is an excerpt:

“What brings ya back?” said Shark. “Been a while, homie. You look even uglier than you did when I last saw you on Mars, all them fuckin years ago.”

“To be fair,” said Gritt, “the last time you saw me was also the day I single-handedly defended the Olympus Mons encampment from an entire platoon of Chinese doom-bots. Not to mention Shirley had just left me for the last time.”

Shark laughed. “Hell, I don’t doubt Shirley’s what did ya in that day—not them fuckin rice cookers. Theys was a cinch. Cheap plastic shit, man.”

“I was only sad ‘cuz Shirley ran off with my fuckin truck.”

“Yer kiddin. Hell, I didn’t know that.” Shark shook his head in disgust. He spat out a dark unknown liquid.

“Naw. And I miss that fuckin truck, mijo. Miss it more than I miss Shirley, that’s fer damn sure.”

“I know you loved that dang truck, Gritt. I did too. Shit, man, we sure did put some stains inta them seats, didn’t we?”

The two men stood in silence and let old memories play out in their weary minds. They were still half a football field away from each other, still feeling weird about the past. Between their enormous sweat-soaked bodies existed a phantom vortex of sorrow which would float on silently till earth itself plunged into the heart of the sun.

Shark broke the silence by cracking open an ice-cold brew he’d fetched from the refrigerated side-pocket on his camo fatigues. “Hey turd. You want one? Got two left.”

Gritt read the label on the bottle. It was a Kaiser Nacht wine cooler.

“Cram it, Jimmy Buffet. I don’t drink that fruity Kraut shit,” said solemn Gritt. “Come on, Shark, you know that. Ain’t been that long. Unless yer brain’s gone to shit.” Muttering to himself, Gritt added, Which wouldn’t surprise me one god dang bit, I’ll tell you what. . . .

Yup. Yup!!

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I made a promise to myself to drive all the way to the IKEA near the airport just to get soft-serve frozen yogurt. And I did it. I god darn did it. I walked through the entire store to get there. The woman behind the counter said, “Do you want chocolate or vanilla?” And I said, “Oh Lord, let’s mix it the heck up.” Ate that thing right quick, I did, while chilling real hard in the car.

My hand is bandaged! I spilled molten-hot soup on it while I was at work the other day. I clean the wound every morning, but it’s still pretty fucked, man. Hopefully it disappears soon!!

Hopefully I disappear soon too if you know what I mean!!!