Man. I think I’m going to wake up tomorrow and watch Beauty and the Beast (lol)

Clipped to Gritt’s 200 oz. steak of a thigh was a stick of space-grade dynamite—the kind they used for mining on the moon colonies. He fetched it with his jalapeño-flavored pork rind-slicked paw and pressed down firmly on the detonator. He tossed it into a pile of used condoms near the entrance of Shark’s humble dwelling, and plugged his ears. In seconds the bomb exploded into a billion pieces, birthing an apocalyptic nut-busting sound that echoed across the dead land for many miles. Gritt’s buttcheeks undulated like a Jell-O casserole in zero gravity; he was deeply pleased by his own mayhem.

In the time it took for Gritt to inhale a single labored breath, the door to the brick house swung open violently. Gritt was sure he heard the guitar solo from “Freebird” erupting from deep within the dark void when a shirtless ten-ton goliath lurched into view. The man’s colossal body—whose individual parts had been carved from Satan’s obsidian throne, and glued together with meatloaf water and Cheeto dust—glistened sweetly now in the cold autumnal moonlight. It was Shark “Iron Gate” Gladitor, Gritt’s old war buddy and best friend.

Shark examined Gritt’s beautiful body. Battle-scarred, to be sure, but the old bastard was still in good shape for his age. Shark was silent for a moment. He considered that the man who stood before him now was potentially an elaborate hallucination who often visited him in dreams. Thinking he had nothing to lose, he addressed the ethereal fart cloud whom he missed so dearly.

I am about to publish something that is absolutely insane

“grim reaper / god of death” and “nothingness / de-existence”

i made these

maybe i’m going to do something with them soon

OK: I have spent enough time in my hermitage. I am ready to Get Wild again. I feel wild as hell. Someone bankroll an insane expedition for me to go on and I’ll give you no less than 20,000 words about it.

For real: I hopped the fence surrounding a mausoleum tonight and, after hanging out on the steps for some time, another dude hopped the fence and hung out with me. He told me his friend owned a strip club called Rose City Strip, which is maybe the most generic name for a Portland strip club there is. Anyway, he told me that in the next week or two they will be crowning Miss Heavy Metal Oregon or something, which is to say they’re going award a stripper some sort of award. I don’t know what you have to do to win. It sounded awful. I am definitely going, and I am definitely going to write about it. Why the heck not?

ANYWAY: For God’s sake, someone give me a rental car and a tape recorder and point me towards something and I’ll give you gold. C’mon!!!!!!!!

I have written about this before, but I really do believe I am one catastrophe away from bleaching my hair and being an idiot wasteoid in LA for the rest of my short life.

(lol)

Every time I think, “Man, it would suck to be young now,” I stop and think, no, It sucks to be anything right now.

And then I picture a dead dude from five hundred years ago whispering in my ear: “Man it’s always sucked to be anything.”

Hey what’s up with everyone doing this dumb pose now:

I guess it’s flattering to your face in the same way that hand-on-hip pose is said to be flattering to your figure. . . ?

Anyway: Knock it off, guys!!

I also see a lot of people doing that thing where they drop to one knee and lock hands together with someone doing the same pose. As I recall this was originally like a prison thing.

Also putting your foot on the bathroom counter and sticking your tongue out.

Also the dropping to one knee and doing the praying hands.

I wouldn’t have written this post if I hadn’t seen thousands of pictures like this. All I’m sayin is come up with something else!!! Doesn’t it freak you out when everyone is doing something and you mindlessly repeat it???

Y’all know this is how the agenda of the Nazi Party was widely adopted, right?? Remember that salute??? (Just kidding (thought maybe not (I really am joking (but I could also be serious (I’m not (ok maybe I’m a little bit serious))))))

A woman I met in April stole my scarf and won’t give it back. This marks the third or fourth time a stranger from the internet has stolen something of mine and then vanished from my life.

HEY

I have greatly updated what I guess is my “about” section. Here it is.

Actually, I pretty much gutted it and rewrote everything. I do this every so often. Why the heck not??

I plan to add more soon. Yahhhoooo!!

kurt vonnegut and his doggies