26 November 2016

i reckon i get sort of nervous about getting close to people, because i have a maybe irrational fear that they will finally see me as i see myself

which is to say: i feel like a big dumb idiot jerk . . . a cheap cartoon character with no good thing hiding behind it!

and when i start to sense that maybe they know what i really am, i feel this intense dread and shame and i jerk away and wander off to be alone

i can’t escape being myself, but i can distract and dissociate myself so that i temporarily forget that i am me

oh god! being me . . . what a rip-off. i wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

i am mostly alone in this city for this reason, and a for few others that i hope i never have to think about again

i guess i am not going to stay here anymore

when it’s time to go i’ll just wander off somewhere to be alone, and on and on

25 November 2016

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from our family to yours . . . have a fantastic holiday weekend :o)

24 November 2016

man, i think this is the first time in something like ten years that i am not doing anything for thanksgiving

i guess kerwin and i are going to get chinese food and be depressed in the living room

that’s something i reckon

yup

22 November 2016

This is the third tooth I’ve had in my mouth in the last week. They had to break my temporary crown to make a mold of my top and bottom teeth, and then afterwards they gave me a new temporary crown. It is prettier than the last one but it is not as comfortable. The back isn’t concave enough . . . though hey, it’s only for another six days.

They tell me “the lab” is hard at work making my gold tooth. It will be delivered to the dentist’s office at 11 a.m. sharp next Monday morning, and then I will have it epoxied into my skull until I’m sick of it. Maybe it’ll be fine. I don’t care. It was $400 cheaper than a porcelain crown anyway. At this point in my life: hey, that’s a hell of a deal.

The dentist asked me what color gold I wanted—rose, white, yellow—and I told him, you know, I want that good ol fashioned classic yellow gold that pirates have. And to this he said: “Good choice.” He seemed totally unfazed by this bizarre life decision I have made, which made me feel real cool for maybe five seconds.

He and his dental hygienist went to work on my mouth. I have no idea what they did in there, but they were very nice and gentle about it. I think the dentist buffed up my little vampire fang . . . but who knows. At any rate it felt smoother afterwards. I slid my tongue over it and it and wasn’t horrified by its grittiness, which it once had plenty of but no more. I mean, I don’t want to see it anymore, and hopefully I won’t have to for another decade or so, but it’s nice to know that, despite being a godawful little lunar stalactite, this terrible remnant of a bad memory is at least in the best condition it can possibly be in.

A woman named Donna visited me while I was sitting in the chair staring at a painting on the wall. I was goofed up on something and feeling numb and weird. Donna was holding a clipboard and she had me sign for my future tooth. I guess in doing so I have promised them I am going to pay for this thing. She underlined the type of tooth they’re making for me. It said “Full High Noble.” That was the name of it! I said to Donna: “Full high noble—just like me. Just kidding. I am a peasant.” And Donna said: “Hey man, go easy on yourself!” and I told her I would but probably I won’t.

Full High Noble! Whoa. Maybe this is the nicest thing I’ve ever purchased for myself. But, not so fast, I had no choice but to use an interest-free healthcare credit card, so I’ll probably be paying this thing off for two years or whatever. Hey, what’re ya gonna do. I sure as heck ain’t gonna stress out about it too much cuz I can’t very well go without a front tooth.

•   •   •

At the dentist’s office I overheard the following:

[Dental Hygienist]: “You are welcome to walk around or read a magazine or whatever, but I will stay with you while this thing is on your face.”

Later, to a child:

[Dentist]: “Whoa! You got a lake inside your mouth! Let’s get some suction in here before you drown.”

Finally, to me:

[Same dentist]: “Feeling a little sensitive, Ryan? I can numb you if you need me to.”

(To which I replied: Hey baby, load me up.)

•   •   •

Well: Let’s do this, man. It’s pirate time. I’m ready. I am so ready to look like even more of a cartoonish fool than I already am. H’okay?!

21 November 2016

I used to have a shoebox where I stored all my letters, but it got so packed in there that the thing ripped at the sides.

So I bought a bigger box! And I organized the heck out of it. There are so many good letters in there, and they’re all addressed to “Ryan Starsailor”. Isn’t that nice??? I find that so endearing for some reason. Sometimes people even put star stickers all over the envelope. I love that!! Gosh.

18 November 2016

mccabe-and-mrs-miller-warren-beatty

It is a Dudes Done Wrong tradition that we honor a recently fallen Dude by screening one of his or her films at our weekly ritual-gathering. For instance when Philip Seymour Hoffman departed Earth for The Other Place, McCune and I held an emergency Dudes Done Wrong night where we watched ‘The Master’ in total silence. It was a nice little thing we did.

Anyway: Leonard Cohen, bless his heart, died last week—and so tonight Kerwin had us watch Robert Altman’s ‘McCabe & Mrs. Miller,’ which is a real good time, and which also features a few of ol Leonard Cohen’s songs.

Rest in peace, you gorgeous man.

(McCabe, by the way, is a bumbling anti-hero who wears only black and burgundy. He also has a gold tooth. I’m just saying!!!!)

18 November 2016

doomsstarbaby

The Doomsmobile! And that’s me looking like an idiot on the trunk!

I think Laura took these a few months after she moved to the Bay Area.

Laura, I miss you! I miss you more than the Doomsmobile and certainly more than I miss that haircut!