Oh, man, here’s a sweet IMAX poster for ‘LOGAN’, which is a real good thing you should Check Out Sometime

bye~

Laura Rokas, the world famous French Canadian multimedia artist, turned 28-god-dang-years-old last week. On Friday she came to the East Bay and we had a li’l party for her. Tracey made us curry and a chocolate cake . . . and uh I put the strawberries on top~

We watched ‘LOGAN’, which rules, and which I have seen like four or five times in the last two months. You can see my buddy Hugh “Huge Ackman” Jackman chilling on the gigantic television in those pictures of Laura and Dante and the chocolate strawberry cake.

Laura has been walking this earth with a six-year-old phone, so I got that girl a new phone for her birthday!! Or rather: Tracey gave me her old phone that had a cracked screen and I got the screen replaced~

Next day we woke up and walked to downtown Berkeley to get her a new SIM card, which ran me twenty-five freakin dollars. Give me a fuckin break, dude.

And then, lord help us, we walked down University to get to some vegetarian place called the Butcher’s Son. The cashier knew who Laura was, on account of her being a world famous French Canadian multimedia artist, and the guy in the window knew who I was because I used to run a dingy cafe in North Oakland. We sat by the window and felt stupid. We ate a bunch of good food. Laura took a picture of me and set it as her background:

She’s moving to Berkeley and we’re going to be neighbors!!!!

Happy birthday jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think that if you are found guilty of animal abuse / cruelty, your punishment should be death by animals

like they release you into an abandoned high school filled with lions

of throw you into a football stadium filled with gorillas

hmmm yeah i’m actually serious lol

i am an abandoned amusement park!!! my brain is a gopher cemetery!!!!!!

I just want to go on record and say that I have never once said “good morning” to someone

For some reason I don’t like the sound of it and don’t like having it said to me and so I have never said it to anyone else

If you shoot me a “good morning” you’d better believe you’re not getting anything more than a “what” or an “oh hey dude” out of me, cuz there ain’t no way this side of death I’m saying “good morning” to any of you jerks!!

I think it’s the baked-in optimism that drives me nuts. It’s too presumptuous!!! And almost always wrong!!! I’m not having a good morning, buddy, and I never will!!!

Listen: I don’t think people should verbally acknowledge each other until after lunch. Why can’t we just nod, or make sort of soft guttural noise until then? For god’s sake, man, nobody wants to talk in the morning! Especially to some sideways creep who broke the sacred silence with “good morning”!!

And finally, for whatever it’s worth, I do like “good-night” and have said it a whole bunch during my time here on planet earth

So that one is fine by me

ok~

I wrote this email to my (Scottish (lol)) friend Cara Ellison in December 2015. It took her a year to respond, and she never brought up anything I mentioned in the email I’m about to share with you. I don’t blame her. I’m putting this here because the message is Still True and thus Still Dire. I don’t feel like rewriting it, so here it is. OK:

Listen: this is going to sound like a joke, but unfortunately I actually mean it.

Do you know any masochistic loners who also happen to have UK citizenship who would consider marrying some jerkoff Yank who also happens to be me? I gotta get the hell out of here pronto. And by “here” I mean the flaming wreckage of the once-great American Empire.

I don’t think I can take any more mass shootings. But then who can?

I like rain and I like grass and I like castles and I like lonely windswept beaches. Don’t y’all got a lot of that over there? And way fewer guns?

Yes, OK: let me know, but only if you want to, obviously.

I’m serious as a heart attack, just to reiterate. You’ve got to have a friend or two who has mentioned wanting to marry an American, and hopefully an American who is pretty much just a bad cartoon character come to life. . . ? I can cook and sometimes I’m kind of funny. And I always keep the house clean. Don’t ever let anyone tell you I don’t keep the house clean. Because they are liars.

All right I should probably stop writing this stupid email now!

Also: Sorry about that drunk email. I, uh, was working at a bar back then, and was probably drinking way too much. I’m better now, thank Our Heavenly Father. Yup!

—Rybabe ☆ミ

Yeah, so, for real: are any of y’all (non-Americans) trying to marry me or what?? I don’t know what’s going to kill us first, but whatever it is, it’s gonna hurt big time, dude. I gotta have an escape plan!

And listen, you know me: I ain’t gonna fight for my survival. The world is a rotten hellscape as it is . . . you think I wanna live in something worse than this? So while my plea is desperate, it is not meant to prolong my life, but merely to put off the pain of death. Death itself is fine by me. I think it’s great and all. Just, like I said, I know for sure this particular flavor of death is going to be long and drawn-out, and involve nuclear fallout and white supremacists in gas masks, and so on.

So yeah: Hurry up the hell up, you god darn Europeans, and let’s get hitched already! Let’s live in some miserable godforsaken castle and watch the stars fall from the sky!!