Laura’s dad sent her this email. I guess I am “that boy” to Monsieur Bérubé!!!

(He and I talked on the phone once. We had an insane conversation about reptiles. That guy rules.)

i realize this is a totally meaningless unsolicited opinion dispensed in a springing-out-of-a-trapdoor-in-the-ground sort of way, but whatever: what’s the deeeaaallll with this ‘always at the gym’ / ‘the world is my gym’ casual sportswear shit city-goers and yuppy-types alike wear? i walk around emeryville and all these motherfuckers got the same dumb nike shoes and dumb spandex-y pants on:

who are you kidding??? you’re at the bank, dude, or in line at a freakin taqueria. i don’t know. i realize they’re Just Clothes, though hell, look at those fucking clown shoes!

the reason i am so suspicious of this stuff is because, listen, as much as it hurts me to admit this: i go to the gym across the street from my house. all i do there is swim and use the stationary bikes. my weights are at home. i try to limit the amount of time i am in that building because i hate going there. it is such a weird universe. and listen: i’m watching you jerks!! when i’m on that bike . . . i see y’all walking around with your gym clothes and your little BPA-free water bottles and your snow-white towels slung over your shoulders, and you’re on your phones pretending to look exhausted, except you ain’t sweaty or anything. y’all ain’t working out. y’all just do laps around the building glad-handing employees and talking about GOD KNOWS WHAT with your fellow hitler-youth-haircut gym creeps. yeeeesssshhh.

this post was a little mean-spirited. i’m sorry. i’ll go away for now lol

Well: As a responsible citizen of this world, and as a fine American otherwise, I did my duty and got my six-month STD test. Looks like I don’t have chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV, or syphilis for that matter. According to this chart I am both a Negative and Non Reactive person (lol). Hey, not bad.

My doctor also listened to my heart and lungs and looked inside my ears and nose and eyes and mouth, and so on. It’s all looking good, he said. Guy has a medical degree, so I’m just gonna go ahead and take his word for it.

Meanwhile I think my shrink thinks I’m absolutely insane, or at the very least believes I am living inside a nightmarish fantasy world fueled by my own paranoid delusions. To which I say: Uh-huh. Whoops!

That’s all folks!!!

BONUS: another ‘escape from new york’ poster

maaaaaaan that’s so good