man, i am at work and i can’t stop crying . . . not over anything in particular i don’t think. it is more like a sort of bodily unburdening . . . like a sneeze or a yawn or a cough! i feel so drained from having been wrenched up all weekend. it was an emotional thing to see my friends who* i had not seen in years, and i felt like i had to be a supercharged version of myself to hide the fact that i actually felt pretty sad. it made me realize how much i had missed them. this is not anyone’s fault, but when i perceive that someone had a larger impact on me than i did them, or that i had, whether i wanted to or not, reserved a place for them in my memory that i revisit because it makes me feel happy to know or have known this person, only to find out that this was not true on the other end . . . well, god help me, i get bummed out. i can’t help it! another thing is that people are always surprised that i remember everything they told me, or that i remembered little details about their lives. well, of course i do! i was listening to you when you told me these things! and i liked you and so it was important to me to hold on to to those memories. i don’t know . . . maybe that’s vain and melodramatic, but then what else is new. i should not go about it that way, and anyway maybe i’m wrong. i can’t expect everyone to be as embarrassingly forthcoming about their feelings as i am. some people just don’t come at the world like that and that is perfectly fine.

anyway.

(*NOTE: i am aware of the grammatical error in this post. i wrote ‘who’ when i should have used ‘whom’, which you use when the subject is him / her / them (versus he / she / they for ‘who’). however, it always sounds pretentious to me, so i omitted the M. deal with it!! (please ignore the irony of this postscript, which is way more pretentious than the issue i created by being purposely wrong. oops!))

sometimes the starsailor experiment fails and, after freely giving it all away to everyone, i end up with nothing left for myself . . . not even a single drop of serotonin!

it know it’s my fault, though hell, i don’t suppose i have to like it either

don’t the sun look angry through the trees!!!!!!!!!

pardini and i went and visited my friend emily, who i dated some time ago back in oakland. i had missed emily so much. i told her that too . . . in front of pardini and god and a hundred horror masks hanging overhead in the store where she works.

AND THEN: swan boat on echo park lake, and bowling in koreatown (STARPUNCHER! vs. STARPUNCHIM!), and pizza by the slice on hollywood boulevard, and on and on~

(addressing the crowd gathered for his execution at the olde palace yard) “AT THIS HOUR MY AGUE COMES UPON ME. I WOULD NOT HAVE MY ENEMIES THINK I QUAKED FROM FEAR.”

(upon seeing the executioner’s axe) “THIS IS A SHARP MEDICINE, BUT IT IS A PHYSICIAN FOR ALL DISEASES AND MISERIES. . . .”

(head resting upon the place where the axe should soon fall) “STRIKE, MAN, STRIKE!”

Looking at the stars always makes me dream, as simply as I dream over the black dots representing towns and villages on a map.

Why, I ask myself, shouldn’t the shining dots of the sky be as accessible as the black dots on the map of France?

Just as we take a train to get to Tarascon or Rouen, we take death to reach a star. We cannot get to a star while we are alive any more than we can take the train when we are dead. So to me it seems possible that cholera, tuberculosis and cancer are the celestial means of locomotion. Just as steamboats, buses and railways are the terrestrial means.

To die quietly of old age would be to go there on foot.

vincent van gogh to his brother theo from a book i bought a long time ago

(alayna this sounds like something you and i would talk about in a letter lol)

Dude . . . H.G. Wells wanted his epitaph to read:

I TOLD YOU SO.
YOU DAMNED FOOLS.

Lorrrrdddd that rules.

it was beautiful out last night, so i went on a long walk through north oakland. near my old house on marshall, a street cat came up to me and meowed and rubbed his head against my leg. i bent down to pet him and he jumped on my shoulder. i hung out with him for 15 minutes and then he jumped off and cleaned himself and i walked home.

man i woke up today and, remembering this:

. . . i was like “ok i’m going to answer love / dating advice on instagram because who cares” . . . and i did! i had a real good time. you can see all of them here~

instead of being jokey about it, i decided to do it straight for the most part. i think i pulled it off. i tried, anyway~

😮

thanks cera!!!

I AWOKE FRIDAY MORNING to a text from my friend Victoria in Ontario. She wrote to me about a dream she’d had:

I had such a thorough dream about you! I got off a trip through Latin America and you were living in this massive old house near the waterfront, no other neighbours really, stockpiled bikes in the back. There were many rooms and these two women drifted through the house often, one with long light hair the other with short dark hair. You yourself were often never to be found. I slept on this sprawling couch with a gold blanket, am pretty sure there was an orgy room somewhere, and once was in the backyard and saw these two women standing on your bedroom window sill, dressed in red leather. You were kind of vacantly hanging back and looking out into the night. Thanks for helping me find a bike to ride into town 🤡

This is not so much a dream but a premonition. Uh . . . minus the orgy room. No!!!!! Can you imagine what that room would smell like??

Though yes: It has been my dream for a long time to start a doomsday cult where we “worship” stars and geometric shapes and death, and so on. But in reality I just want to get a huge house or a warehouse in Germany and chill with my friends until the sun absolutely sets on Time itself. I will absolutely make this happen. It is my singular purpose in this life . . . my White Whale!

You’re welcome for the dream bicycle from the dream backyard of my dream fortress. Just go ahead and keep it, baby!!!

yeah lol